i'd really like that piercing to be real

hey everyone.

so this is going to be a really expressive/personal post.

im having one of my "emotional break downs" a lot lately.
sometimes i just dont know why it happens.
everything around me seems to be fine and yet i have a feeling in me which i cant explain, but it makes me feel down and just feel upset.

my tendency of over thinking and over analyzing situations makes matters worse for me
i never was like this, i used to let things "go"
i never think about it as much, i never gave a care.

now i am always paranoid and i sometimes find myself going crazy.
i know this is weird but, sometimes, when i go out or anything, i just feel im being judged.
i see people looking at me and i straight away think they are seeing me in a negative way.
i have so much negativity in me.
i really dont know what to do at times.

sometimes i just wanna be in bed and let myself day dream.
yet, nowadays, my day dreams make me feel depressed too cause i know when i stop dreaming, i have to face reality.
and the reality is not like how i pictured it in my daydreams.

my exams are about a month away and im scared as hell
this is not like high school anymore
if i fail, i fail myself.
i let down my parent who worked so hard to pay for my education,
i'll be a dissapointment cause i could not achieve/complete this one simple task in my life.
what will i do if i do fail, what will people say about me.

my college is nice. i love all the people i've met there.
but somehow, sometimes i just dont have my heart in it.
sometimes i just have no interest in going.

see what i mean,
there is nothing wrong with the college, but my mind makes me feel there is something wrong and therefore creates an odd feeling i cant describe.
it a sad feeling but why would it be sad? college makes e happy.
why am i sad?

my friends are great
i can tell Tiffany and Neeru anything and everything.
my cousins are amazing
i know i can lean on them no matter what.

yet, i feel so insecure
i just feel that they'll hate me cause of my attitude/personality
i know they wont (*touch wood*)
cause thats what friends and family are here for
they will tell you what they think and you wont feel offended cause you know they mean it in the best ways
but, i have this fear that they will hate me for any/small mistake i do or say

this here shows how my past has affected me
my past has made my "thick skin" thin
the past is the past
yet i feel it lingering around me at times when im depressed
why?
its so annoying.

my depression status this year has been by far the worst one
this year really seems like a really long roller coaster ride with lots of loops and plunges.
when some good/happy events comes along, there is bound to be something that will happen to make it a bad situation.
im not saying everything but, most things i do, will turn out that way.

im also the kind of person who keeps her feelings bottled up and has a hard time expressing how i feel, i just dont see the need in telling how i feel, afraid it might make the person not too fond of me/ make them irritated.

i tell most of my problems to Tiffany,Julia,Vincent and Neeru and Kitty
even that too makes me worried at times whether telling them would make them fed up of me, or would they really want to hear how i feel?

but what kept me going was the support i got from my Friends and Family
these events made me feel so happy and thankful that i do have people to lean on.

as long as i know there are people with me who i know will be there for me and will love me for who i am, i will be fine.

i cannot face anymore betrayals cause it was hard enough for me in the past and i cant imagine going through it again.
*touchwood*

good memories help me along the way too,
i must admit i have gathered some this year, which has kept me going too.

i know whatever i am feelingl,
i know it wont last,
i know it will come back,
thus,
i must learn to overcome such feelings and not allow me to get defeated.

our mind is such a powerfull thing.
it takes over our feelings,emotions and everything.
sometimes i get so defeated and give up.

i have got to stop being paranoid, over thinking situations and over analyzing them.
i really want to help myself, and i will try
maybe this year is my mini test on overcoming all these nonsense.
i hope it is, and i hope i will ace it.

lend me a helping hand if you can
:)

P.S:
i really love you guys,
Tiffany,Julia,Vincent,Neeru and Kitty

you guys dont know how much you mean to me
you all managed to instill yourself a place in my heart
and know that i am here for any one of you at your times in need.
cause afterall, that is what friends/family are for